Lesson #1 The Only Person I Can Fix Is Me
I didn’t see that I had choices. If you’ve ever been in this place, you know what I mean. You can spend hours thinking about what to do, but you just keep going around, and around and around. It reminded me of a hamster wheel. (And I was the hamster)
The truth is, I always had a choice, but I was afraid of making the wrong one. My path required major life changes. Divorce. Being me again. Opening up the past. I needed to figure out my shit. I wanted to feel. To love. To enjoy life. And most importantly, I didn’t want to be afraid anymore.
I had a lot to learn, to remember, to accept and to change:
Our brains are hardwired to protect us.
I never wanted to be at home when I was a kid.
I hid in books.
I wanted to control my environment.
I only wanted to feel things that made me happy.
I was so hard on myself.
I felt guilty even when it wasn’t my fault.
I was invisible.
My father never showed love or affection.
I needed outward approval.
The voice in my head was always working to protect me, but at what cost.
My heart slowly started to close.
Our family was fractured.
I was a pleaser.
My parents were never happy.
I was a workaholic.
I was angry and I didn’t know why.
I had no emotional intelligence.
I learned to recognize triggers.
I was a stuffer.
I was independent beyond my years.
I always felt like an old soul.
I hid my feelings from everyone.
I didn’t know. There was much I didn’t know about myself.
So…I chose change. It was my time to come to terms with all of it.
Healing was my choice… and I…
I learned to have compassion for myself.